Ophelia

I opened my eyes to see the dingy room I’d fallen asleep in. This is my first actual day here. I had cracked the screen-less window open before drifting off to bed to let in the cool summer night air of Northern California. Some shabby lace was draped halfway across the window and a pathetic dark wooden table with one measly chair sat in petrified boringness was positioned to give “inspiration.” I had imagined this place to be something more magical than it is. Perhaps it’s one of those places that boasts about the connections and “lasting friendships” I’ll make in the coming six weeks.

“I can’t believe I’m here.”

I got up and grabbed the small toiletries bag provided for me on top of the dresser and opened the heavy wooden door. My feet padded down the cool wooden floor to one of the many bathrooms in the house. Blue bathroom, cute. I set my bag down and turn on the shower. A small stall with some eucalyptus hanging down.

The water became instantly hot and I jumped right on in. When the last time I had a shower this nice was, nobody knows. Point is, I smell.

I pulled the beige shower curtain aside and stepped out onto the white shower rug and opened the bathroom window; again screenless. The brisk air penetrated the room and brushed over my flesh in pleasure. What I’d give to have a cigarette right now. I gathered up my brown hair and scrunched it in the foggy mirror, wrinkling my nose with each scrunch. Nasty habit of mine.

As I opened the door, there stood a girl staring at me with dark and haunting eyes.

“Sorry.”

“I was just waiting for a while,” she responded, pushing her black hair over her shoulder and walking into the misty bathroom. I heard the door lock and the water turn on. Well, good morning to you too.

“Regan, hi, it’s Regan right?”

“Yeah, it’s Regan, hi, good morning,” I say with a placid smile.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Phoenix,” she mused.

“Phoenix, what a cool name,” I say, crossing my arms to my chest, “and thank you,” I added while twiddling my ear lobe.

“Oh, it’s just my pen name. But, anyway, how are you settling in? We’re going to have breakfast in an hour down at the gathering area. Want me to show you? Also, I have some forms for you to sign,” she pulled out a manila folder from behind her back.

“More forms?”

“Yeah, just consent forms for this afternoon. Sign them and bring them to breakfast. The gathering area is that spot right there,” Phoenix explained while pointing to a lawn. There were log benches placed in a circle with a spot for a bonfire in the middle.

“I gotta go, but see you soon,” Phoenix says.

“See ya.”

I sat down at the desk in my room. Six weeks. A lot happens in that time. A lot can happen to me. A lot can happen to whatever Troy is doing back home. I hadn’t read the welcome letter yet.

“Dear esteemed writers,

It is with the greatest honor that we welcome you to the Phoenix Writer’s Retreat in Crescent City, California. Over the next six weeks, you and nine other writers will focus on the beauty of Northern California and find inspiration in the raw, rural aspects of nature and fuel that into your writing. Out of 500+ applicants, we chose ten who showcased pure talent. Thank you for being here. Get ready to produce something meaningful.

Thank you,

Phoenix Farms.

Oh God, was all I could manage to think after reading Phoenix’s weird message. I tore the stupid paper out and crumpled it up, tossing it into the trashcan under the desk. I wonder if they’ll figure it all out. Who I really am. I felt myself leaning too far back in my chair, and yep, I fell backwards, crashing down, and hitting my head pretty hard on the wooden floor.

“Ow,” is all I could manage to mumble as I rub a throbbing spot on my head, peering at the bird themed wall clock.

“Shiiit.” I grab the manila file and scribble my name across the signature portions and run outside.

“Regan, everything alright?” Phoenix asks. She stood in the middle of the gathering area surrounded by nine other people. Cranky shower girl is here. She smirks at me, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, sorry, I closed my eyes for a sec, lost track of time,” I mumbled, walking over to the only empty seat left next to some man in flip flops. What an asshole.

“Your forms, Regan?”

“Here,” I whisper, shoving the manila file into Phoenix's hands.

“Well, as I was explaining, I really want to pull everyone out of their comfort zones, and don’t worry, this is the only exercise like this we’re doing,” Phoenix says with a gummy smile. “Cliff diving,” she exclaims.

“Well, what if we’re not interested in cliff diving?” I ask.

“According to this manila file you just handed me, you’re on board, Regan. It’s signed. You’re doing it,” she declared, smiling that creepy gummy smile again.

Great…

“I think everyone has showered, so let’s get our suits on and we’ll begin the .5 mile hike up the cliff and we’ll jump on in! It’ll feel good, it’s gonna be hot today.”

Everyone robotically stood and started walking back to the house.

“What kind of writer are you?” I heard a voice from behind me ask.

“Fiction, mostly,” I mumbled, turning around to see a handsome man.

“Nice, me too, I’m Crouse,” he said with a deep voice.

“Is that your pen name or…”

“It’s actually my name. Family name on my mom’s side and she didn’t want it to completely die out so her and my dad named me Crouse,” he said with a half smile. Twinkly eyes, half smile, dimples, over six feet, full head of hair, tattoos. Yeah, I’d sleep with him. So much can happen in forty-two days.

“I’m Regan as I’m sure you heard Phoenix announce when I got here late.”

“Yeah, you little rebel, what was that about?”

“I was leaning back in the chair in my room and I leaned too far back and gravity did what it does. I fell and hit my head. I knocked out for a little.”

“Oh, wow, that sounds really bad, Regan,” I like when he says my name, “I’m actually a certified EMT, can I check your pupils, I mean seriously, you could have a concussion.”

“You wanna gaze into my eyes?” I ask.

“I do,” he says, stepping towards me.

“Lean your head back and open your eyes wide.”

I did just as he commanded me.

“Is that a Berserk tattoo?” I asked.

“Oh, this, yeah, don’t distract me right now, I’m seriously worried about you,” he said with a changing tone that frightened me in all the right ways.

“Your eyes look fine, where is the bump on your head?”

“Back here,” I said, pointing to the crown of my head.

“Oh, yeah, that’s small, you’re totally fine, Regan,” he said, flashing me another half smile. “I’m gonna go grab my suit, see you back out here,” he said while jogging into the house. Hm, he’s a little too perfect. Plus, I’ve got Troy at home. I need to focus on what I’m actually here to do.

The hike was brutal. We all sweltered outside under the hot California sun getting closer to this supposed peak. But, like all hikes, the view was worth every step. We towered over some of the Redwoods. The Pacific Ocean shimmered under those very rays that were frying us a moment before. I’d never smelled anything like this before. It was piney, yet salty at the same time. We were in the forest, yet also at the coast. We were at the top of a mountain, yet only at the bottom. Nothing was certain; I loved everything in this reality of limbo. It… is beautiful. I see why so many of these writers wanted to come here. And here I am. Doing what I always do. Selfishly taking up a spot.

I didn’t dare look down. I knew if I looked down I’d be too scared to jump. And I wanted to jump so desperately. I want to feel the cold rush of droplets from the waterfall following me down to the pool of water at the bottom. I wanted to submerge myself in the depths of that water.

“Alright, guys,” Phoenix’s voice brings me out of my trance.

“We’re gonna start jumping in. Who’s going first?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll go first,” I heard my voice say the words but never thought of even saying them. My hand was in the air and just like that, I’d somehow volunteered myself to jump first. What the Hell is wrong with me?

“Actually, I wanted to jump first,” it was Crouse. His dumb tattooed arm stretched up in the air.

“Interesting… well, Crouse, Regan did volunteer first so I am going to honor her wishes,” Phoenix says.

“Wanna Rock-Paper-Scissors it?” He asks me, nodding his head in my direction.

“Huh?”

“Play me, winner goes first,” he said walking toward me. He leaned toward my ear, “if you wanna jump together, lose on purpose, I’m throwing rock” he whispers.

“And if I lose?” I ask.

“We jump together,” he announced, looking to Phoenix for approval.

“I mean if you’re OK with that Regan, it’s fine, I suppose.”

“Okay, beat me fair and square,” I muse, locking eyes with him.

You wanna guess what happened? Yep, I lost. Maybe that’s exactly what fate had in store. Maybe it’s exactly what I wanted at that moment. What I needed.

“Count of three,” Crouse said, again with his damn stupid half smile.

“One…”

“Two…”

“Three!” We both yell, running forward, and springing from the cliff's edge. Our hands found another as we fell for a brief moment. I heard us both laughing– or were we screaming? The water hurt. Bad. It stung the bottom of my feet as we cracked the surface, plunging a few feet down as we frantically swam back to the surface. The sunlight shone in pretty rays coming down to cast a spotlight on me. It was cold. But it was warm at the same time. More limbo, just how I liked it. Waterfall was damn loud down here as Crouse and I stared at each other with beaming faces, giggling like teenagers in love. We quickly swam to the sandy edge, collapsing into the sand.

“All good?” We heard Phoenix shout.

“Yeah, water’s great!” Crouse yelled back, giving a thumbs up to the group.

One by one the rest of the group plopped into the water. I watched them all fall and they fell with such rapidity I was sure they weren’t coming back up. But there they were. Each one of them bobbing their heads in triumph. Phoenix was the last to jump and of course she did a front flip on the way down.

Crouse and I still lie in the sand staring up at the sky. I felt his pinky inch toward mine and interlock around each other. It’s only the first day. Am I seriously doing this already? I couldn’t help myself. I leaned over and kissed him while everyone was still floating in the water. And God, he kissed me back.

Phoenix rang some loud ass bell later after we’d all gotten back and encouraged us to shower and take some personal time to write. Crouse and I had been in my room, holding one another for no particular or apparent reason. We just wanted to. We were cramped in the bed but we didn’t care, well, I didn’t at least.

“I think that’s the dinner bell, I’m gonna run upstairs, change, and I’ll meet you out there?” He states, closing my bedroom door behind him.

I threw on a tank top and some knit shorts and walked to the kitchen to see a huge feast laid out around the counters.

Holy shit, I should not be here at all.

Fruit, meat, bread, veggies, literally everything on the damn food pyramid is here! I looked up and saw that same girl staring at me again. What is her problem? Does she know? Maybe she had a friend who she thinks deserved to be here more than me. Whatever, not my problem. I loaded up my plate and took a seat at the obnoxiously long dining room table.

“Alrighty everyone, take your seats! And before we dig in, I want to call a toast to every single one of you. You’ve all worked incredibly hard to get here. I’m sure you’ve all battled writer's block and the insufferable self-saboteur, but you’re here. You jumped off a cliff for god's sake! Cheers to you and I’m excited to see what everyone produces while they’re here,” Phoenix bellowed while raising her glass. Each of us had been given a glass of red wine upon entering the room. Crouse and I clinked our glasses and took a sip.

“Wow,” I muster with my eyes squinting, “it’s really pungent.”

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Crouse muses, winking at me.

The dinner was great. The food was all great quality and I gotta say, I’m impressed. Phoenix really tried. Everyone here is laughing and letting their guards down.

I’d had one too many glasses of that pungent red wine and felt it all going to my head. The room slurred together in a blur as Crouse tucked me into bed and I watched as he closed the door behind him.

The sunlight of day two ruptured my room in a breach of alarms forcing me to open my eyes in its overwhelming brightness. It was so glowy and I could have sworn I closed the thin little sheer curtains before bed, but who knows, I was beyond drunk. I felt gentle petting on my forehead. Someone was brushing my bangs. I peered again to see Crouse smiling. Didn’t he leave last night?

“Hey, Regan, wake up.” Why did he sound so far away?

“Why is it so hot in here? Is the heater on blast or something?” I ask, still keeping my eyes shut.

“No, that’s just the fire, wake up, take a look,” he whispered. Fire? Finally, like we’ve been taught since we were kids at hearing the word “fire” when you’re not expecting to, I rose up like a damn zombie from its grave to see everyone all around me. Their faces illuminated in the darkness of the night. What?For a moment, I thought they were beating drums, but no I was hearing the sound of my own freaked out heart pounding in my ears. I started gasping; trying to breathe; trying anything to make sense as to why I was outside while everyone surrounded me. Their faces are… are blithe and content with whatever we’re doing.

“Crouse, why are we outside? Why is there a fire? Wh-” I looked down at my body in disgust, “why am I tied up?!”

“Shh, Phoenix will explain, I hate doing the explaining. Especially because I did actually think you were interesting, Regan. I liked the story you told me last night about your first chameleon, the one your dad bought you for your 12th birthday. But, it’s sad, you couldn’t remember its name.”

“Shut up! Phoenix… What is this?” I yelled, holding up my restrained wrists. She stood beside Crouse with her hands behind her back and clicked her tongue.

“Regan, as far as you know, this is a writer’s retreat. We selected ten of the most up and coming writers we thought would thrive here.”

“And?”

“So, this isn’t a writer’s retreat, I’m sure you’re putting the pieces together.”

“I… I… okay, I’m sorry, I’ll leave, just let me call my boyfriend, Tory, and he’ll drive out here and get me, I promise. And the retreat just started, someone else can have my spot. I’m sorry I lied to you, Phoenix, just let me leave, I won’t tell anyone. I cheated and it was wrong. I just plagiarized some stuff I found online because I wanted somewhere to sleep! I’m just a druggie who goes around from place to place looking for something… for anything, please, I’m sorry,” I pleaded.

Phoenix threw her head back and laughed. The fire illuminated the lines in her face as she laughed and her hair seemed to glow in a halo from the fire.

“Regan, no one here is a writer,” as Phoenix said these words, more people joined from the bushes wearing bird masks. They all had long noses and ornate detailed paintings of runes up and down the beaks.

“No one here is a writer, Regan,” Phoenix repeated, pulling out a small dagger from her back pocket.

“What do you mean? Wh- Why am I here then? Why is a-anyone here then?” Tears began to cascade in a flowing remorse. I felt my face contort into shapes of agony each time I tried to speak.

“We prey upon people like you, Regan,” Crouse said, crouching down to meet my eye level, “you’re gonna be so delicious.”

“Help, someone help me!” I screamed. The faces all stared back with indifference at my misery. As Phoenix began to walk toward me, raising her dagger above my head, my teeth began to chatter with my quivering lips as my body began to make the music of human fear and suffering. I gasped for my last moments of oxygen, and then I felt it. It was hard, hot, and cold all at once all masked in a blanket of pure agony. There was something good though. I remembered the swirly curve of my chameleon’s tail. Ophelia, that’s right, I heard the name from that stupid Shakespeare play. I’m glad I came here.