Driving Along

Driving

Driving a car is a test of one’s nerves. It is not for the faint of heart.

I haven’t driven in years. I got tired of backseat drivers telling me how to drive, which roads to take, or getting scared every time I turned or hit a bump. Ummm…chill with that. I started getting tired of it.

Why don’t you drive and let me sit where you are sitting right now?

I tried not to let it consume me, and I kept getting into our Mustang, dropping the top down, and driving here and there and everywhere.

That is until I got sideswiped by an aggressive driver during a bumper-to-bumper episode. I couldn’t even safely pull over without horns blowing at me on the jam-packed highway.

Did you not see that you were drifting into my lane? That was the last straw.

I decided to hang up my driving gloves and give up on the spot.

While sitting there waiting for the cops and for my roadside assistance, I leaned over to open the door, climbed out of the driver’s seat, and said, “you know what, I quit!”

And that is when I gave up driving. Ever since, I’ve been sitting in the passenger seat.

Let someone else drive and let me take a nap while somebody else maneuvers through the traffic jams.

I was so over trekking across busy roads and competing with pedestrians who don’t consider that I might have an obstructed view of them, and they might get hit.

So, when I was tasked with being the motorist for the day of my aunt’s funeral, believe me, it was not the extravagance I was hoping to add to my daily grind.

Why me? I’m not interested in driving anybody anywhere. I don’t do trucks and this car is huge. How am I supposed to drive this thing with all these people in it?

Didn’t they get the memo that I retired from driving?

It has been 13 years since I slid behind the wheel to drive anywhere. Bicyclists were not yet doing the nonsense they do on the roads while riding with cars. When I stopped driving, there weren’t cameras on every block spying on motorist's every move.

So, pardon me for gripping the steering wheel tighter than a new driver. Ten O’clock and two O’clock, right? This is not my thing; at all!

I’m no longer used to firing up the ignition or driving down rutted roads anymore. Do I back out of this driveway or do a 4-point U-turn and go face forward? Which sign do I pay attention to on this street with five different traffic signs on it? Can I even leave this car here without getting a ticket or a boot? Can somebody else parallel park for me?

I probably won’t be the one stomping my foot on the accelerator to weave down the street in speed because my nerves are rattling over my body and I haven’t spilled out into the streets in a car in years.

That sign over there says 25 MPH so being the quality citizen that I am, I will keep it at 20. Pardon me if you think I am going too slow. Go around me. You’ll be alright.

Wait, what did he just yell at me? I don’t even say words like that. Well, bless you too. Shoot!

Oh, this next block says I can speed up a bit. No, he isn’t riding me. He better back up. You see me talking to you through my side-view mirror; right?

If I have to be the driver, I’ll be the slow-moving car merging into traffic, coasting in at 30mph. So be patient because I will not be speeding. You can just silence them honking horns thudding in my ears because I am not going to go any faster.

Ain’t nobody got time for all of that. Why are you in such a rush anyway? You are going to get there whether you speed or not. Relax the mess up.

The beep, beep, beeping of the cars behind me trying to whiz past is very telling. Especially since I quit driving. Why the hell am I behind the wheel right now? Auntie forgive my stressing over this. Anything for you.

Wait! Is that sports car in the right lane over there playing a game on the road? He is trying to cut before cars swiftly to get into the smallest spaces between the cars ahead or behind them. Okay, so let me slow down so you cannot do it. Lord, keep us safe on this road.

Actually, let me get off this highway and go locally. Now I’m getting every light.

Cars protruding forward on my left and on my right as soon as the light turns green and I have to put my nail polish down before I can even advance forward. Red lights are for beautifying myself. Don’t rush me, beauty takes time. Anyway, I’m supposed to be in the passenger seat.

The honkers behind me tell me it’s time to move. A knot of anger for the motorists waving their obscenities at me while speeding past me.

And now they have the nerve to create all these bicycle routes. Oh, you guys can pedal on the highway too? That’s why I haven’t seen any cars going in the opposite direction. Nobody wants to pass or hit the pedestrian handling a non-motorized bike on the road.

Ummm…where is your helmet sir? Why do yo u have a cellphone in your hand? Why are you on here buddy? Oh Lord, another bike? Why are you pedaling so slow; this lane is for vehicles only. Let me speed by this idiot.

I speed ahead. I have to swerve past a huge bump. These roads are deplorable. Why are there so many potholes on this road? All the taxes we pay?

I cannot concentrate on driving when my mind gets caught on the rumble of cars on the road. Wait was that a crater I just hit? Please don’t have me tackling car troubles because of you.

But, you got me cruising through the streets, pulling across lanes of traffic to not be sandwiched in. Wait, did I seriously just get pulled over by the police because I am driving too slow?

Kids are sobbing in the back seat because it is hot and we have been in this car for way too long and now, a traffic violation? You better stop.

I don’t think I can ever do it again because this is not me.

The road is insane now; much crazier than when I used to be behind the wheel every day.

What has not changed is the dumb traffic jams you have to sit in that always seem to be caused by nothing but just being on the road. Or perhaps it is the taxi drivers that are driving even slower than I am. Seriously buddy?

From the moment I shifted my vehicle into gear, it has been a horror story.

And here comes my favorite part; looking for a legal parking spot. Yo, bro! Why do you have an orange traffic cone right there? Oh, so these parking spaces are private on a public street? Wait! Is that parking meter really $4 for 15 minutes? Then why is 30 minutes $12? What if I go around the rotary to find a free parking spot?

What if I throw my towel in again? Because, I quit… Again!