A Journal for Melanie

April 30th, 2014

Hello, diary 2.0! It’s been too long since I talked to one of you. Mom took forever getting you after I filled the first. You might be surprised to hear that I already filled one of you up, but you’ll soon understand why. There is only one thing that I need you for, and it’s not to tell you about friends or boys (EW).

What filled the pages before yours was my sister, Melanie. The singular worst thing to exist. I don’t know why sisters were invented. All mine does is stalk the hallways in the morning hours, raid the kitchen of all my Capri-Suns, and steal my favorite gummies, taunting me with the empty package left in the drawer. Her evils know no bounds, and I don’t think anything can stop her.

Mom doesn’t seem to care about the menace in our house, and my friends now ignore me when I talk to them about her. That’s why I need to turn to you, diary. You’ll understand more when you hear about the horrors I witness.

November 8th, 2014

My grandparents bought me a Wii a few years ago. Well, they said it’s for ‘you and your sister,’ but I know it’s really mine. They just always try to make everything seem fair, like mom does. Melanie doesn’t seem to understand that, though, and I don’t know why I still try to play with her. Every time we sit in front of the TV and turn it on, the torment begins.

It’s not a slow descent either, diary. It starts with the controllers. She always has to be player one, always! She says it’s because she’s ‘more mature,’ but that doesn’t even make sense. I know not to challenge her on it though. I remember the year that I clicked the buttons on that little white brick faster than her. The celebration lasted about a second before she tackled me to the carpet like one of those football players to steal my controller.

We played again today, no tackling involved since I sat silent and accepted defeat. Every time I saw the two little blue dots on my controller, it reminded me of my failure.

February 2nd, 2015

Melanie turned 16 today. It’s the worst day of the year.

She didn’t have a party. I thanked the universe for not allowing that act to take place. I didn’t want to imagine what Melanie and her friends would be like on a cake fueled sugar rush. Her friends have never been over, but I don’t want to see her influences. If they have any possible chance of being worse than her, I want to stay far away.

She did bring gifts back from school, though. One of them was a bracelet with these pink, white, and orange beads on it. She got real quiet when I asked her where it was from, but said it was from a friend. I told her that it was ugly, and she told me to ‘shut my mouth’, like she bought it for herself! It wasn’t my fault that her friend got it for her. The other thing she got was a sword. I’d never been so scared of foam before.

She chased me around with it, laughing like the witch she is. I’m still hiding in my closet, trying to be quiet so she won’t find me again.

March 19th, 2015

Now that Melanie is 16, mom won’t drive me anywhere. When I tell her I want to go to my friend’s house, she points me to Melanie. When I miss the bus, the walking hazard is woken up so she can take me. I don’t know what she’s done to mom, but now mom’s car is used by Melanie more than herself. The only thing that made these rides bearable was the silence.

I thought the one thing mom would bring me to were my basketball games. She usually had my uncle take me cuz she was too busy, but I was extra excited about this game. It fell on the weekend, right when she didn’t have work. On the morning of I made sure to wake up early, get all my own clothes on me and everything. Mom woke up an hour after, and when I reminded her of the game, she went to Melanie’s room and banged on the door.

Melanie played music in the car. It was barely there, but it was there. She told me I could sleep, but I didn’t think I could sleep around her without her attacking me, even if she was driving. During the game, there was a constant sound over all the crowd. I could hear it even when the buzzards went off. I only knew what it was at the end when I looked over at the bleachers. Melanie never went to one of my games before, but she was screaming her face red any time I did anything on the court. I hadn’t heard her be so loud before. I missed a shot, and I heard her shouting my name clear as day.

I didn’t make any baskets, and we lost by ten. Melanie still got me ice cream after.

September 22nd, 2015

Melanie always holds the past over my head. It’s easy for her to puppet me around when she’s threatening to tell mom what actually happened to her favorite mug, or how the paint stains got in the carpet. But today, diary, today I have dirt on her. Melanie was on the phone, and she must’ve been talking to a boy cuz she’d whisper into the phone saying ‘love you’ and stuff (EW), but that’s not the important part. I heard her swear. It was a bad one too, an f-bomb in the middle of her conversation.

It’s something I’m stashing away for the right time. Let’s see if she’ll talk about the mug now.

December 15th, 2015

I never usually write about my birthday. It’s a boring day really, diary. Nothing happens, and I don’t feel older. I’m 11 now, and I was gonna reward myself with pop tarts and time in bed. Melanie woke me up real early though, said we were gonna go to the park. Mom used to take me to the park when I was real little, so I knew which one she was talking about. Melanie’s plan was to get rid of me permanently, I knew it was. All it would take was one push down a steep slide, and she would be an only child.

When we got there, though, she stayed on the benches. I was cautious while going around the playsets and swings, but the excitement turned into boredom. Everything was too small for me. The set was perfect when I was four, a fortress in the wood chips. The only thing that was still useable was a little stand with spinning tic-tac-toe pieces. Melanie came over when she saw me standing around it. We spun the pieces again and again, but Melanie won every round. She never lets me win, but she didn’t need to, diary. The last time we played, I beat her fair and square! I laughed in her face, but she only smiled. It felt like victory all the same.

She wanted to play the Wii when we got home, and I let her have it. I immediately regretted it when seeing the two blue squares on my controller. She can’t even let me have that on my birthday.

February 3rd, 2016

Melanie is a year older. I am thankful that she didn’t come home with presents this year, but Mom’s been talking about college. Every time mom and Melanie talk about college, they end up yelling at each other. Mom talks about where she wants Melanie to go, but Melanie doesn’t wanna go anywhere. I don’t want any part of it, so I always lock myself in my room.

I know I shouldn’t feel bad, diary, but I can’t help being a better person than Melanie. She may be a witch, but she’s the witch that brings me to my friend’s houses on the weekends and cheers my name at my basketball games, even if I’m losing. The house was quiet after everything, and I knew Melanie was in her room. I waited for mom to go to sleep and went to Melanie’s door. It seemed like she was always awake, but I was so tired I was afraid I’d fall asleep getting to her room.

I had to write to you today, because I ended up falling asleep in Melanie’s bed. Not that I meant to. I just knew she would sleep if I was with her.

May 27th, 2016

It’s time, diary. I want to go to a birthday party this weekend, but Melanie said she was planning on going over to a friend’s house at the same time. She leaves in the morning, and I just remembered my blackmail. Oh, she’ll take me to the birthday party this weekend, or mom will know that she likes to say the f-word to her friends and giggle about it like a super villain. There is a possibility that Melanie will murder me for this action, but it will be worth it for a pool party. Hopefully, I’ll return to you with victory. It would suck if these were my final words.

May 28th, 2016

I thought I would never say this, but Melanie is too clever. I went to her room last night and demanded that she take me to the birthday party I wanted to go to, or I’d tell mom that she swears. She asked me what I was talking about, and I said I heard her on one of her calls. She kept asking me what I meant and then asking what word I heard her say. I just thought she was being her idiot self again, because no matter how much I tried to hint at the word she said, she didn’t know what I was talking about.

I ended up saying the word, and as soon as I did, Melanie started laughing. She showed me her phone and—diary, oh diary, I can’t believe I fell for this. She was recording the whole time, and said if I complained about her not taking me again, she would show mom. She then made fun of my red face. I forgot my hatred for her, and I became complacent! I knew her kindness was a front. After she left today I raided her room in retaliation. It only seemed natural. I tossed her drawers like salad and wore three of her jackets at once so they’d get wrinkly. I opened one of her drawers, and at the back of it was the bracelet from her birthday. The bracelet was begging to be stolen, but for some reason, looking at it made me nervous. It looked like she was trying to hide it. It was the only thing I didn’t mess with.

July 4th, 2016

Our neighbors are setting off fireworks. We can hear them every year, and every once in a while I see them go off outside the living room window. I’m not in the living room though, I’m in my bedroom. I can still hear them, but I don’t see any color above the trees.

Melanie said she’d take me and we could walk the neighborhood to watch them. She left me at the front door to get socks, and I heard mom screaming. Something about messages mom saw on her phone from a girl. She shouted about the bracelet. I think whoever she was talking to on the phone was the one who gave it to her. I think mom found out. Melanie didn’t come back to the living room.

I’m staying under the covers tonight. I just want them to drown out the sound.

September 11th, 2016

I asked Melanie if we could play the Wii today, but she said she didn’t feel like it. We haven’t played anything or gone anywhere in a while. Mom isn’t letting her go out anymore, and now Melanie takes classes online. Now it seems like she’s always awake, and she won’t even let me into her room at night.

September 16th, 2016

I’m alone in the house for the first time in a few months. Mom said Melanie had to leave for a while, that there was something wrong with her and that she had to have time to get better. When I asked mom what was happening, she just said Melanie would be better when she came back. I went into her room twice, wanting to show her a photo I took of the sunset. I forgot that she wasn’t here. I’m writing from her bed now. It smells like cheap perfume all over the covers, but I buried my face in it in case mom came in. I didn’t want her to see me crying.

September 30th, 2016

When Melanie came home, I laughed at her shaved head. I thought it’d make her angry, but she said she didn’t like it either. She ate a lot, and I didn’t say anything when she sucked two of my Capri-Suns dry. Most of the kitchen didn’t survive, and once she was done she locked herself away in her room.

I thought I could lure her out with games. I told her I wanted to go to the park, but she said mom wouldn’t let her drive anymore. Afterwards I said I wanted to play Mario Kart, but she said she wasn’t feeling like it, even after I said I didn’t mind being second player. I still didn’t leave her door, staying outside of Melanie’s room with my blanket. Mom shook me awake and told me I had to go back to my room.

I don’t like wherever Melanie went. They cut her hair in a way she didn’t want, and the marks they left under her sleeves make me angry.

December 16th, 2016

I didn’t do anything for my birthday, not when the sun was up, anyway. Melanie spends all her time in her room, and I knew mom forgot. I didn’t ask her about it. At midnight, Melanie came out of her room for the first time in a while and said we were going to a pond. We walked thirty minutes from the house, and when we got there, she pulled bread from her hoodie and let me crumble it up to throw it to the ducks.

It was cold out, and the only sounds were the wind and some quacking. I kept trying to get Melanie’s attention, but she only looked sad. I offered her some of the bread she gave me, but she refused. She said it was all for me.

Melanie told me she had to go away because mom was being mean to her, that she was gonna live with a friend. I told her I didn’t want her to go, and she didn’t mention it for a while. The bread was a good distraction. I liked pulling off pieces and eating it like the ducks did. When we started going back, Melanie said she had to leave. She carried me back the rest of the way and let me sleep in her bed.

If I didn’t go to sleep, I knew she couldn’t go anywhere, and I tried my best to keep my eyes from closing, but I couldn’t help it. When I opened them, the sun was out and Melanie wasn’t in the house anymore.

December 20th, 2016

Mom said I wasn’t allowed to sleep in Melanie’s room, but I didn’t listen. It smelled like home. Her bed was bigger than mine and the blankets were warm oceans. I woke up this morning to mom gone, and the door locked. It felt like a part of me was locked away behind it too. Like without it, mom was breaking me up into little pieces.

I didn’t care about the consequences, I just looked in the kitchen cabinets for an hour trying to find the key to the room. All of my snack boxes were full, and I had plenty of gummies and Capri-Suns left. I pretended that the boxes were empty, like they always were. I only stopped looking for the key when I slipped off the countertop.

I stayed in front of the door for another hour, but it hurts being so close but not allowed in. I’ve been looking for anything to distract myself. At some point I tried to play the Wii, but my controller only had one blue light. I didn’t know how to get into a game, and menus confused me. I felt sorry for everything I ever wrote about her in you, diary, and I still do. I always needed my player one.