Things I Have to Get in the Store Today:

Peanut butter

Eggs

Coffee

A sense of humour – I’d need one for the things that have happened to me lately

Better luck – they say bad things come in threes, not in fives or sixes, so why me?

A tree – it fell on my car while it was parked on a country roadside. I’d stopped to get out and look at the highland cows in the field. I’d left it on the verge. At worst, I thought another car might have clipped my wing mirror, but no – it got completely and utterly wrecked by a falling tree.

Perspective – I guess I was incredibly lucky not to be in it at the time, but the scenario also felt as unlikely as the chance of getting struck down by a single fork of lightening. Bad luck times a billion.

Relief – I had to walk back into town. It took me three hours – it was over ten miles. I guess I should be glad it wasn’t thirty and I have good walking legs. I like to hike, so it didn’t feel ridiculously long to me. It would have taken most people much longer. When I got home, I felt like most people probably do after a morning stroll.

Clarity – I need to keep my eyes open for the next potential disaster. Since I have confirmed they don’t merely come in threes, I can’t allow myself to relax yet.

A box of tissues - for all my woes

An energy drink for a boost to get me through the next catastrophe

Good memories – to blank out the bad ones I’ve accumulated this week. After the tree incident and having my car written off, I broke my left leg. I was running to work, and I tripped over my other foot. How often do people injure themselves with their own bodies? It would be laughable if it wasn’t so painful.

A cooler cast – the one they gave me at the hospital was really boring. They gave me crutches too, so I’m hobbling around with those, but I could be doing much worse – I could have broken both legs at the same time.

Local house listings – I found out later that day I was getting kicked out of my flat. It’s a Housing Exec one and it’s been crumbling apart for years, so it was bound to happen, but it still sucks – especially this week.

A sleeping aid – they’re tearing the building down. It’s one of those high-rise ones that they threw up in the sixties and now they’re going to take it down just as quickly. The thought of it makes me feel ill. I won’t be getting much sleep the next few nights.

Binbags - for the small space I live in, I have acquired a lot of stuff. It’s miraculous it all fits behind the door. It was easier to get it in in stages than it’ll be to get it out all at once.

Another box of tissues – I could use a good cry, and the other box will be finished by the end of the day.

Something quick for dinner – I can’t face cooking anything. Could you after everything I’ve recounted so far?

A huge chocolate cake – I found out I needed a root canal too, but it’s too late to start trying to change my eating habits, so I might as well console myself with rich, gooey chocolate in its tastiest form (in my opinion.)

Some paracetamol – for the throbbing headache I have, not helped by the toothache that feels like tiny beings are excavating my entire mouth.

An electric razor – to add insult to injury, my hair has begun to fall out. At first, I thought it was stress, but now I suspect it might be permanent. It might be aging.

A hat – to cover up the evidence.

A self-help book – to get me through this quagmire of shit and maybe teach me a thing or two about where it all went wrong and how to avoid it in future.

A passport application – whenever I next have money, I plan to leave the country as soon as I possibly can and I plan to travel as far from here as I can possibly get.

A magazine for men – something to distract myself with – one that deals with bodywork – car or otherwise. Preferably, otherwise. Looking at gleaming car models right now might be like adding salt to the wound.

An apple – they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I need to delay my next health crisis for as long as physically possible. I don’t need one of those on top of everything else.

An optimistic outlook – I suspect they mightn’t sell that on the shop shelves but it’s worth trying to find one anyway.

A bottle of wine – for my nerves but not one that’s too pricey as I’m obviously in an unpredictable financial spot at the minute.

A top up – for my phone because I’ll have plenty of annoying phone calls to make and I don’t have a contract, which is probably for the best at the moment. I hardly need any more financial agreements to add to the pile.

A bunch of roses for Isabelle. I do have one good thing in my life at the moment – an amazing girlfriend and no money spent on her is ever a waste.

A hefty supply of chocolate – I need to replenish the snacks cupboard and it might be one of the only things that gets me through the next few weeks and all the predicaments I’ve found myself in.

Some birthday candles – it’s my birthday next week and I need something to look forward to – I might as well celebrate the small things since the big things have gone to shit. I won’t see Isabelle on the big day – she has a meeting in London. She promised me a celebration when she gets back, but I need to take things into my own hands on the day itself. I could easily ignore it, especially considering the fact I’m turning 37 – an almost non-birthday, but I need a little bit of joy in my life.

A lottery ticket – who knows, maybe my bad luck will finally run out and I’ll start to get good luck in more than threes too, to even things out.